Burmuda Assumptions and gossip cancer

I have a lot of different thoughts that race through my head and its hard to choose where to begin.... I have a couple of imaginary boyfriends that have kept me froze and I just havn't been able to move much of a muscle for the longest time. I have my own timing of giving myself a go-ahead, but I get so tired of talking about bollywood and the way it never becomes real although it feels real sometimes more than others. Always a sad story on top of a combination of happy and sad stories. Why is there always a vice? Whose and what final say is it that will always force this vice? The vice is murder; blaming me for the vice is the most mean and painfully unfair murder. Why has there always been a huge gap and lack of connection and salvation against the numbers of final says there are? I know I could personally list a few specific men who do mean to have a dominant judgment/ rule/ judgmental rule wanting to live over me and only purpose their self for that (Kings of Maleficent).... The longest meanest murder. There are times when I'm with the bollywood, the left hand can't understand what the right hand is doing. There are so many unexplainable gaps. ...Although "kissing strangers," seems to be the only solution and relief to my problem against someone having to have their dominant say had, it becomes poisonous somewhat after so long because it either leads to a clown/tricksters truth who wants to force me into lies or cheapness, or the fact of the failure to launch and that I don't always have the longest relationship. It isn't that I always mean to seek a bunch of short lived relationships; not many survive. ~Til I find someone I trust~ nah nah nah nah nah nah~ My most recent boyfriend seems kind and like he wants to be protective of me in some ways with whatever is in his knowledge. And comes all the riskiness and moved muscles... I'm still most stuck on the male nurse. There is an older version and a younger version who seem to mean to want to say the same thing and mean to take care of me and have emotional support. The older one is the one I can feel and hear the most. Cancer chases us both. He seems an emotionally sincere man who has his own personal emotions. My most serious assumption without too much detail. Both the older nurse and younger nurse are aware of each other. I couldn't move a muscle for the longest time while both were messing around with me. Both are a little possessive but the older nurse is especially jealous and possessive. The first round he just wasn't mad but had some hurt and felt killed. Then, there is this blind-siding retaliation where there is a mix of different drama. The first is the mysterious way where he knows he has me failed and lets me know he knows it. He doesn't say how and he doesn't act like a common gangster that intentionally betrays me for a common gangster enemy. It was like he lived a life where he failed the type of person I am and if he were seen in public with me, he would be too questioned and wouldn't have any protected respect. He doesn't verbally say this; it is the repercussion of the thought of the thought. He was meaning to let me go in some ways because he didn't want to mean to make me feel hurt anymore or like he was another dry rapist. And I cried and bawled and felt like I lost my best friend and couldn't stand the thought of being that much more alone again. Besides knowing bollywood fades, I thought and still think to myself I will get over him, but he still visits my paranormal sometimes and has acknowledgment that we somehow mutually love each other. Besides bollywood freakishness and creepiness was the creepiness that some people know what the older male nurse looks like and although he has said something other than what David Duchovny's CONDITIONAL "LOVE" said, I was threatened with terror, poison, and cross contaminaton anyway. The older male nurse does have different facial features than David. It was an arbitrage terror stab. I think the male nurse has a smart crew with technocrats that want to cane me because he was hurt over the younger male nurse. I can't see his actual wealth with whether or not he is with the caner's or if he is somewhere in the middle class who suffers with me in a dominant say/ mediation/ regulation. It has seemed the latter. If he caned me in his possessiveness, it would be personal one-to-one without the cheat. ........I glance at the Pirates a little and don't play Peek-A-Boo enough. I still care for the male nurse, and if given the thought towards the Pirates, I would be skeptical of the same cycle and routine of games I don't want to keep having to take. I have been killed for trying to teach before, but when I feel alone through all these years and still feel far from understood, it still seems to be the only option on my end. How it typically goes with the rich and famous: I am vulnerable and have needs. I don't have to be called god, but there are some things that NEVER come before me. It's always going to be this pig-agenda-trap where I sometimes get manipulated and threatened as the pig (sometimes I really am where I don't always mean to) Whether or not I am getting beat down and competed against because the rich and famous will always be more worthy in the capability of a pig (not that I'm jealous in wanting to be called or treated as a pig) I still feel really overlooked and selfishly mistreated. The man is the head honcho who calls the shots and whose needs are first: and there goes my emotions and will to care straight out of the window. There just isn't enough of a tango. If I could make a man listen to me, if I could make him connect to me and "teach" him something or give him directions: Stop failing me. Stop threatening me with a final say of a judgment or rule or what someone else has already said or with your over-authoritative behavior. Stop threatening me with there is no such thing in losing me with your over-authoritative behavior, cheating, or losing me over anything at all and like you never lost me because you lose me all of the time. Stop threatening me with blame or scapegoating. Stop refusing to realize just how seriously emotional of a person I am and that I feel pain, hurt, and humiliation. Stop blaming and threatening me over my choice and my way of letting you in or putting out. And, I probably lost you too over the directions and demands because I don't know how to save myself from being made to feel like a blow up doll or forced into being a lesbian. .......Anthony Kedis from RHCP. I'm still a big fan and love so many of your songs. You are one of my white lights now and I wonder about you to this day. I definitely know I was beat up by your "Raindance Maggie" song and the "You don't know my mind" song where I question you want to force me into an open relationship as one of your lesbians. "Booo! to that one," I'll be just fine in the basement if you ever wanted to visit me there from time to time. I think my older male nurse boyfriend would be upset though. Your hippy though Anthony, I just adore you. You are a light of day and if my Will Trainor ("Me Before You") were ever on her death bed anymore, I would want you to be the qualified caregiver. It might be too much to ask. I like the Stadium Arcadium album the most. I wondered if you had a subtle stockholm or will to emotionally connect with me but I'm attracted to your hippy no matter. That "Please don't strip my mind," song was so close but so far away. There were times I felt so overly stared at, interrogated, over-exposed and obsessed with and I was so upset over how much of an intrusion it was. I cried tears of anger more than tears of submission. I still wouldn't be able to have a crying submission like that to this day. I like the Michigan song the best; you have an understanding of what it is and what it means to not be ruled by bondage and let yourself have your way with your emotions anyway. There are so many kinds of bondages out there and I hate them with a passion. ... Male nurse, I was just kind of thinking of Anthony recently and I still care for you and I've just been a long time fan and felt like expressing myself.