I'd have to pay a price either way

I think if someone were to assume or judge me, then they should have just straight up given me a drug test. When I applied to another job at Amazon, they said there would be a 5-level drug test and I didn't mind taking one and even signed a form of consent saying that I would be tested. I didn't work in that particular area at Amazon and got hired in another department and didn't mind. I would bitch slap the man who would say he had a "qualified drug test." That's bullshit. If that wasn't a threat and it was a test, that's some deadly lie. If I do lose the job anytime soon, I hope someone does get on Amazon's case: "Why didn't you just give her a drug test?," with the most given innuendo. Like I wasn't a victim of defamation of character. In several ways. What's always been worse than an arrogant man is an arrogant man with an arrogant cut throat bondage game. If all of this is punishment because I refuse to be a lesbian, I would seethe in rage on that one. I am just forced blinded-sided in between what I can't see, or in a corner where I have nothing at all and still deny a person's will to give their self whatever right they think they have. It's not that I'm out to be the rat- I feel like I'm being forced to pay a price no matter what I do. .... ....I usually don't like to compare, but I was going to have something nice to say about Pittsburgh compared to Cumberland. It's like some asshole wealth wants to force me back to Cumberland either way. I refuse to have any respect for my undertaker. They are my worst jealous judgmental loser for life. I think there is cannibalism in both Cumberland and Pittsburgh, but I have had the ability to make money in Pittsburgh. The defamation of character and cannibalism in Cumberland was extremely bad. I wouldn't even look at myself as a double standard with defamation of character. The way people want to call shots or be the worst straight up intentional liar is beyond awful. My actions are not the same. I feel I deserve more favor of protection in Pittsburgh against intrusions, extreme judgment, judgment in its most plain form, and my undertakers. I feel it's almost impossible to expect anything from Pittsburgh because of the way I wrecked into Mike, Sidney, and Chris. I'm not sorry and I still want them to be shamed to this day for the way they chose to dare themselves with their judgment, and hostage taking. I can't help but be my own sadist against those three and I hope they experience torment and torture. ... ...One hope I had with Amazon was eventually being able to afford to move and have a job to relocate with. It's difficult to feel safe, comfortable, or to have a better living because I feel like someone will always want to piss on me. Not always. I feel like I might be more likeable if I went somewhere else which is easier to live, than be that disliked. I may run into some other wealthy person who will always want my life to be pissed, ruined, and wrecked. I want to be optimistic but that is easier said than done. .....

Battle of the Bigots, Battle of Square One. My guess is you've got a bigot card, Son.

It is a cardinal rule of mine to not be too assumptive or almost the same as assumptive: the cut throat. Like most intruders- You know me more than I know you, or so it seems.... I usually get a little bothered by the way people want to superioraly say they "know me." .... I do believe you want to get my attention and I'm not really sure what your cards are. I could guess a few, but my best guess would be that you are a bigot. Or a backwards bigot. Right now the intention is to pick on you some. I often feel the need to give a recap or rehash of myself because I feel I've lived a lifetime of being mistaken or misunderstood. ... You may or may never know how it feels to be a victim of an intruder but I feel I've lived an insurmountable intrusion and grief. There have been so many instances that I don't know why my intruder is being one, where they come from, or who they even are. Not only has there been a long history of that, but the times that the instances of the right to the intrusion is serious and deadly, both on me and the intruder because I do not deny my death threat to an intruder and it is a common right that anyone should have. I could be related to the girl on the exorcist when it comes to the intruder, but I do see myself as the more just and greater woman. It's a card I know I have that doesn't feel the most recognized on most occassions. I feel it's a card that has been refused by a terrible right, dodged, unfaced, ignored, just not spoken to or explained to enough. There really is no excuse, but good grief have some kind of explanation. It's a lose-lose situation. If any person in their right mind chose empathy, they would understand that it could make any person suicidal. What kind of life to live with a person's sense of right like that, and the numbers that that worst right could have. The common cop would beg the question and place to weight of blame more on the victim- "well, if you're not going to commit suicide than you must....." It's a never-ending interrogation trap and forced trap. And, I do mean to talk to one particular guy right now, but if there were some cop or military force reading: I have a shameless shrug: I like to say my best is when I lean on the bible verse: "Vengeance is mine saith the Lord." I'm not always at my best, and shamelessly admit I would want my own revenge and speak with revenge sometimes. Find the sadists who intentionally torment me with their intrusions and interrogations who wouldn't care or deny they want me to commit suicide; and publicly shame, humiliate, and punish their truth and their actions......There have been many times I know I was seduced and admitted to how seduced I was. I wasn't afraid to chase the romance of it. But, I always felt lied to in the end, or that there was too much information that was being kept from me....... Whatever egocentrism people want theirself to have, I say that I live to live for more than just to spite my enemies just by staying alive. Enough of the gross forced marriage to someone's egocentrism and quarantines when I would explain to say the reasons I live to live and stay alive. Now that that recap is through, on with my assumptive explanation to your bigotry. It really is poison to me to possibly be made to understand the attention you want intentionally wants to be cheap with me. Is it that you have to have your way with your judgement and wanting to tell me I'm nothing but an easy ho and there is nothing you've done wrong? Let me tell you something you bigot son. The torment I used to have listening to "Square One," by Coldplay feels more like a peace of mind sometimes than a torment: I get to prove you're not teaching me a lesson and you're not having your way. The undertaker and other piggish people will always want to call it their victory, but I call it mine with what my square one does prove. It's not that I never wanted to not get anywhere, it's what was always expected of the expense to get somewhere that doesn't have it: In the ways I know I get cornered by hateful bigots that could be yourself. I probably ruined what we could have had if there was anything to ruin- I've just been around my square one block a few times and I know what's typical and the win to the battle is mine. Sing for me Foals, sing "In Degrees." They don't win either, they just have the decency to recognize. That's a tango dance to me. It takes two and you have to see to face. My expectation is that you won't be a victim and you won't be a pig. Don't make a pig sty of the intrusion with what drama you could want to make and the way you would mistake my anger for being something else. Don't overlook the intrusion and like the intrusion and truth of the matter has never mattered. I don't like overlords. I don't like being judged. I don't like feeling quarantined and regulated. I don't like being underdogged either. I don't like when men don't want to understand there is only so much I can take- I don't like pigs. I don't like pigs in so many ways.

Mr. Nursery Rhyme, I called myself Clean.

So, I intentionally keep some violent secrets when being forcefully provoked by a particular squandering "Fat," man, mainly figuratively speaking "fat." I deserve to take some dig at your appearances, but this isn't about that and it wasn't that I was going to call you literally fat. .... You've made several serious mistakes with me Mr. Nursery Rhyme. Mistakes that I've never forgiven and mistakes that make me get over a man in a snap of a finger. You made the choice to mark yourself as a clear enemy. Besides of that fact, is the fact that I hate being held under. I mostly look at you as an inadequate belligerent yet sober "Butch." I hate being held victim to the worst judgement, reasonings, excuses against myself. "Squandering," as the word may be and "squandering," that most actions are. .... Just to let you know, I have had my own personal stern-ness and yells against unfairness. That being said, I feel that there are times I know I am being tormented/ tortured but what tortures or torments me isn't always seen. Some people forget just how much of things being seen or unseen makes a major and significant difference. It's such a serious crime with the way some stories aren't all there or are just plain one-sided. If there is a person to torture someone, that person has to have their own common sense to know that the person being tortured most likely will have a reaction, post-reaction, or even silence for their own sake. The person who tortures and expects no reaction other than loyalty or forced defeat is a Gadaffi Moammar. As much as I've yelled at communism and dictatorship before, its just like I can't break through to some people the way they are being. ... So where does all this lead? To an explanation for my piece of mind and your piece of mind even though I don't think you deserve it. I cared to scream against unfairness and dictatorship. I care to make you understand the scene and circumstance of torture. I might have taken a side with Malcolm X years ago and I agree that there are so many dangerous comparisons out there and people should seriously not compare. It is a scene of torture, not a scene of sincere religious ceremoney. I have been reviled against before for not hitting back enough. I feel the paranoia more from the cops and FBI, and I believe they call it contempt or will to murder. I know I wouldn't deny being in rage or enraged in some instances. Some instances I have a severe sovereign and silent respect for myself where words cannot express the way I feel on the inside. I don't want to go on another long rabbit trail with wars and murder have purpose but I will say there are many times I know I have deserved the right to defend myself and the times I feel denied or blackmailed against my own human rights. It's not that I've ever agreed. It's a reason I feel a missing person or someone who can't live with a truth I know I have and I feel a victim of dictatorship. A lot of times anymore, I'm too vain to be defensive. Ok, not really vain, but I think people are just ridiculous or Karen's and talking to some people is just a waste of time. ...... I reflect on you, if you meant to take a particular trail of reason, it's some sense of reason, but it's not reason enough or full story enough. It's a pile of blame where I know I don't feel considered enough and you look jealous for me to be in bondage. Son of a Bitch, I know I'm clean. (P.S. I've never considered myself a raging alcoholic or having an alcohol problem. Some deadbeats will to put his problem on me.)