I'd have to pay a price either way

I think if someone were to assume or judge me, then they should have just straight up given me a drug test. When I applied to another job at Amazon, they said there would be a 5-level drug test and I didn't mind taking one and even signed a form of consent saying that I would be tested. I didn't work in that particular area at Amazon and got hired in another department and didn't mind. I would bitch slap the man who would say he had a "qualified drug test." That's bullshit. If that wasn't a threat and it was a test, that's some deadly lie. If I do lose the job anytime soon, I hope someone does get on Amazon's case: "Why didn't you just give her a drug test?," with the most given innuendo. Like I wasn't a victim of defamation of character. In several ways. What's always been worse than an arrogant man is an arrogant man with an arrogant cut throat bondage game. If all of this is punishment because I refuse to be a lesbian, I would seethe in rage on that one. I am just forced blinded-sided in between what I can't see, or in a corner where I have nothing at all and still deny a person's will to give their self whatever right they think they have. It's not that I'm out to be the rat- I feel like I'm being forced to pay a price no matter what I do. .... ....I usually don't like to compare, but I was going to have something nice to say about Pittsburgh compared to Cumberland. It's like some asshole wealth wants to force me back to Cumberland either way. I refuse to have any respect for my undertaker. They are my worst jealous judgmental loser for life. I think there is cannibalism in both Cumberland and Pittsburgh, but I have had the ability to make money in Pittsburgh. The defamation of character and cannibalism in Cumberland was extremely bad. I wouldn't even look at myself as a double standard with defamation of character. The way people want to call shots or be the worst straight up intentional liar is beyond awful. My actions are not the same. I feel I deserve more favor of protection in Pittsburgh against intrusions, extreme judgment, judgment in its most plain form, and my undertakers. I feel it's almost impossible to expect anything from Pittsburgh because of the way I wrecked into Mike, Sidney, and Chris. I'm not sorry and I still want them to be shamed to this day for the way they chose to dare themselves with their judgment, and hostage taking. I can't help but be my own sadist against those three and I hope they experience torment and torture. ... ...One hope I had with Amazon was eventually being able to afford to move and have a job to relocate with. It's difficult to feel safe, comfortable, or to have a better living because I feel like someone will always want to piss on me. Not always. I feel like I might be more likeable if I went somewhere else which is easier to live, than be that disliked. I may run into some other wealthy person who will always want my life to be pissed, ruined, and wrecked. I want to be optimistic but that is easier said than done. .....

Battle of the Bigots, Battle of Square One. My guess is you've got a bigot card, Son.

It is a cardinal rule of mine to not be too assumptive or almost the same as assumptive: the cut throat. Like most intruders- You know me more than I know you, or so it seems.... I usually get a little bothered by the way people want to superioraly say they "know me." .... I do believe you want to get my attention and I'm not really sure what your cards are. I could guess a few, but my best guess would be that you are a bigot. Or a backwards bigot. Right now the intention is to pick on you some. I often feel the need to give a recap or rehash of myself because I feel I've lived a lifetime of being mistaken or misunderstood. ... You may or may never know how it feels to be a victim of an intruder but I feel I've lived an insurmountable intrusion and grief. There have been so many instances that I don't know why my intruder is being one, where they come from, or who they even are. Not only has there been a long history of that, but the times that the instances of the right to the intrusion is serious and deadly, both on me and the intruder because I do not deny my death threat to an intruder and it is a common right that anyone should have. I could be related to the girl on the exorcist when it comes to the intruder, but I do see myself as the more just and greater woman. It's a card I know I have that doesn't feel the most recognized on most occassions. I feel it's a card that has been refused by a terrible right, dodged, unfaced, ignored, just not spoken to or explained to enough. There really is no excuse, but good grief have some kind of explanation. It's a lose-lose situation. If any person in their right mind chose empathy, they would understand that it could make any person suicidal. What kind of life to live with a person's sense of right like that, and the numbers that that worst right could have. The common cop would beg the question and place to weight of blame more on the victim- "well, if you're not going to commit suicide than you must....." It's a never-ending interrogation trap and forced trap. And, I do mean to talk to one particular guy right now, but if there were some cop or military force reading: I have a shameless shrug: I like to say my best is when I lean on the bible verse: "Vengeance is mine saith the Lord." I'm not always at my best, and shamelessly admit I would want my own revenge and speak with revenge sometimes. Find the sadists who intentionally torment me with their intrusions and interrogations who wouldn't care or deny they want me to commit suicide; and publicly shame, humiliate, and punish their truth and their actions......There have been many times I know I was seduced and admitted to how seduced I was. I wasn't afraid to chase the romance of it. But, I always felt lied to in the end, or that there was too much information that was being kept from me....... Whatever egocentrism people want theirself to have, I say that I live to live for more than just to spite my enemies just by staying alive. Enough of the gross forced marriage to someone's egocentrism and quarantines when I would explain to say the reasons I live to live and stay alive. Now that that recap is through, on with my assumptive explanation to your bigotry. It really is poison to me to possibly be made to understand the attention you want intentionally wants to be cheap with me. Is it that you have to have your way with your judgement and wanting to tell me I'm nothing but an easy ho and there is nothing you've done wrong? Let me tell you something you bigot son. The torment I used to have listening to "Square One," by Coldplay feels more like a peace of mind sometimes than a torment: I get to prove you're not teaching me a lesson and you're not having your way. The undertaker and other piggish people will always want to call it their victory, but I call it mine with what my square one does prove. It's not that I never wanted to not get anywhere, it's what was always expected of the expense to get somewhere that doesn't have it: In the ways I know I get cornered by hateful bigots that could be yourself. I probably ruined what we could have had if there was anything to ruin- I've just been around my square one block a few times and I know what's typical and the win to the battle is mine. Sing for me Foals, sing "In Degrees." They don't win either, they just have the decency to recognize. That's a tango dance to me. It takes two and you have to see to face. My expectation is that you won't be a victim and you won't be a pig. Don't make a pig sty of the intrusion with what drama you could want to make and the way you would mistake my anger for being something else. Don't overlook the intrusion and like the intrusion and truth of the matter has never mattered. I don't like overlords. I don't like being judged. I don't like feeling quarantined and regulated. I don't like being underdogged either. I don't like when men don't want to understand there is only so much I can take- I don't like pigs. I don't like pigs in so many ways.

Mr. Nursery Rhyme, I called myself Clean.

So, I intentionally keep some violent secrets when being forcefully provoked by a particular squandering "Fat," man, mainly figuratively speaking "fat." I deserve to take some dig at your appearances, but this isn't about that and it wasn't that I was going to call you literally fat. .... You've made several serious mistakes with me Mr. Nursery Rhyme. Mistakes that I've never forgiven and mistakes that make me get over a man in a snap of a finger. You made the choice to mark yourself as a clear enemy. Besides of that fact, is the fact that I hate being held under. I mostly look at you as an inadequate belligerent yet sober "Butch." I hate being held victim to the worst judgement, reasonings, excuses against myself. "Squandering," as the word may be and "squandering," that most actions are. .... Just to let you know, I have had my own personal stern-ness and yells against unfairness. That being said, I feel that there are times I know I am being tormented/ tortured but what tortures or torments me isn't always seen. Some people forget just how much of things being seen or unseen makes a major and significant difference. It's such a serious crime with the way some stories aren't all there or are just plain one-sided. If there is a person to torture someone, that person has to have their own common sense to know that the person being tortured most likely will have a reaction, post-reaction, or even silence for their own sake. The person who tortures and expects no reaction other than loyalty or forced defeat is a Gadaffi Moammar. As much as I've yelled at communism and dictatorship before, its just like I can't break through to some people the way they are being. ... So where does all this lead? To an explanation for my piece of mind and your piece of mind even though I don't think you deserve it. I cared to scream against unfairness and dictatorship. I care to make you understand the scene and circumstance of torture. I might have taken a side with Malcolm X years ago and I agree that there are so many dangerous comparisons out there and people should seriously not compare. It is a scene of torture, not a scene of sincere religious ceremoney. I have been reviled against before for not hitting back enough. I feel the paranoia more from the cops and FBI, and I believe they call it contempt or will to murder. I know I wouldn't deny being in rage or enraged in some instances. Some instances I have a severe sovereign and silent respect for myself where words cannot express the way I feel on the inside. I don't want to go on another long rabbit trail with wars and murder have purpose but I will say there are many times I know I have deserved the right to defend myself and the times I feel denied or blackmailed against my own human rights. It's not that I've ever agreed. It's a reason I feel a missing person or someone who can't live with a truth I know I have and I feel a victim of dictatorship. A lot of times anymore, I'm too vain to be defensive. Ok, not really vain, but I think people are just ridiculous or Karen's and talking to some people is just a waste of time. ...... I reflect on you, if you meant to take a particular trail of reason, it's some sense of reason, but it's not reason enough or full story enough. It's a pile of blame where I know I don't feel considered enough and you look jealous for me to be in bondage. Son of a Bitch, I know I'm clean. (P.S. I've never considered myself a raging alcoholic or having an alcohol problem. Some deadbeats will to put his problem on me.)

So Mad at the Way I'm a Victim to an extremely unfair Accountability

So, if I could make a guess at something, I WOULD GUESS I'M UNDER THE WORST UNFAIR FIRE WITH A FLING OVER MR. COLUMBIA AKA SETH OWEN. DID YOU REALLY HAVE IT THAT BAD FOR ME ELON TO TREAT ME TO SUCH A BEATING?! I took an insult from you from the start. I noticed you wating me but you still havn't from the start make me feel or believe that you even wanted me like that enough. FOR YOUR INFORMATION It was because I felt like I was being thrown into a corner from someone else. As long as I felt forced into being treated with no worth like there was no other option FUCK YEAH I GAVE MYSELF ANOTHER OPTION. I hate being forced into a structure like that, a corner like that. It's being forced to being a victim of a situation and being given a zero worthless price. MY FLING WITH SETH OWEN WASN'T AN INTENTIONAL SHALLOW JAB AGAINST YOU BUT YOU STILL HAVE ME CONVINCED THAT YOU'RE SUPERFICIAL AND SHALLOW AND LIKE THAT IS ANY KIND OF FAIR PUNISHMENT AGAINST ME. I REFUSE TO BE JUDGED BY YOUR WORST ACCOUNTABILITY BECAUSE I WON'T BE BEAT BY SOMEONE'S UNDERTAKER. YOU SLOPPY MEAN ASSHOLE. I'M NOT OUT TO BE AN ABUSER FOR THE SAKE OF THE SUPERFICIAL BUT THAT'S THE STUPID ASS JUDGMENT YOU WANT TO FORCE ME UNDER. FUCK YOUR JUDGMENT. YOU WANT TO CRY OVER YOUR SUPERFICIAL ABUSE LIKE YOU'RE NOT SORRY FOR WANTING TO MAKE ME FEEL THAT UGLY AN UNATTRACTIVE JUST KEEP FACING MY KELLY CLARKSON AND BITCH SLAP TO YOUR SUPERFICIAL UNDERTAKER. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO COME DOWN OFF OF ME. YOUR HEART'S UGLY WHY SHOULD YOU MATTER TO ME ELON?! STOP BEING SUCH A THREAT WITH YOUR BONDAGE AND WHO I AM AS A PERSON. ALL I WANT TO DO IS TAKE A WHIP AND CRACK IT ON YOU LEAVING A FEW WELTS. THAT'S ALL THE REVENGE I WANT.

All That Cleaning for...? the Sake of Cleaning

This year, Christmas was supposed to be a little different. It was still different but not different in the way it was supposed to be! I knew it was going to be extreme cold conditions about a week ahead but I didn't think there would be the freezing rain or snow, or my daughter getting sick on Christmas Eve. We were going to go see the extended family that night and if it wasn't for her being sick, we may have got in an accident with the bad weather. My parents were supposed to visit us and stay for a day or two but they couldn't make it through the mountains because the roads were still too bad. They had to turn around. It was a bummer. It was also a bummer that I had spent a lot of time cleaning and spent a little extra at the market to prepare for them. I'm talking spring cleaning, cleaning. I was already broke and burned the rest of the whole through my wallet at the store and at the market. I have a few extra gifts left over that I didn't get to even give. I can still give extra to some, but I think to myself that is some extra money that I could have held on to. I can at least say I'm stocked up for a little bit with the groceries and hope the food doesn't spoil when there isn't that many people to eat it in enough time. It is nice to have an extra clean house though. I always procrastinate with cleaning because I'm always too busy. It definitely makes Christmas at home a little more comfortable. I have sympathy for the people who had to spend Christmas without the electricity and/or were stranded in their own homes. I feel like such a geiser to myself "things could always be worse," but I really feel sympathy for those people. The other negative thing that happened was that the fire alarm in my fire apartment went off twice! Earlier in the day Mitzi and I hung out in the car, but we had to withstand the loud noise the 2nd time while she panicked. I knew it would be nothing. Someone didn't clean their stove or oven or just plain forgot something was in the oven and burnt the food. (I had a dirty oven one year and the fire alarm went off on a cold and rainy day. I felt like crap). Christmas has been good. I've been a little anxious and always anxious to work but Christmas is the one holiday that I can let myself have an excuse enough to not have to work. Merry Christmas!

Burmuda Assumptions and gossip cancer

I have a lot of different thoughts that race through my head and its hard to choose where to begin.... I have a couple of imaginary boyfriends that have kept me froze and I just havn't been able to move much of a muscle for the longest time. I have my own timing of giving myself a go-ahead, but I get so tired of talking about bollywood and the way it never becomes real although it feels real sometimes more than others. Always a sad story on top of a combination of happy and sad stories. Why is there always a vice? Whose and what final say is it that will always force this vice? The vice is murder; blaming me for the vice is the most mean and painfully unfair murder. Why has there always been a huge gap and lack of connection and salvation against the numbers of final says there are? I know I could personally list a few specific men who do mean to have a dominant judgment/ rule/ judgmental rule wanting to live over me and only purpose their self for that (Kings of Maleficent).... The longest meanest murder. There are times when I'm with the bollywood, the left hand can't understand what the right hand is doing. There are so many unexplainable gaps. ...Although "kissing strangers," seems to be the only solution and relief to my problem against someone having to have their dominant say had, it becomes poisonous somewhat after so long because it either leads to a clown/tricksters truth who wants to force me into lies or cheapness, or the fact of the failure to launch and that I don't always have the longest relationship. It isn't that I always mean to seek a bunch of short lived relationships; not many survive. ~Til I find someone I trust~ nah nah nah nah nah nah~ My most recent boyfriend seems kind and like he wants to be protective of me in some ways with whatever is in his knowledge. And comes all the riskiness and moved muscles... I'm still most stuck on the male nurse. There is an older version and a younger version who seem to mean to want to say the same thing and mean to take care of me and have emotional support. The older one is the one I can feel and hear the most. Cancer chases us both. He seems an emotionally sincere man who has his own personal emotions. My most serious assumption without too much detail. Both the older nurse and younger nurse are aware of each other. I couldn't move a muscle for the longest time while both were messing around with me. Both are a little possessive but the older nurse is especially jealous and possessive. The first round he just wasn't mad but had some hurt and felt killed. Then, there is this blind-siding retaliation where there is a mix of different drama. The first is the mysterious way where he knows he has me failed and lets me know he knows it. He doesn't say how and he doesn't act like a common gangster that intentionally betrays me for a common gangster enemy. It was like he lived a life where he failed the type of person I am and if he were seen in public with me, he would be too questioned and wouldn't have any protected respect. He doesn't verbally say this; it is the repercussion of the thought of the thought. He was meaning to let me go in some ways because he didn't want to mean to make me feel hurt anymore or like he was another dry rapist. And I cried and bawled and felt like I lost my best friend and couldn't stand the thought of being that much more alone again. Besides knowing bollywood fades, I thought and still think to myself I will get over him, but he still visits my paranormal sometimes and has acknowledgment that we somehow mutually love each other. Besides bollywood freakishness and creepiness was the creepiness that some people know what the older male nurse looks like and although he has said something other than what David Duchovny's CONDITIONAL "LOVE" said, I was threatened with terror, poison, and cross contaminaton anyway. The older male nurse does have different facial features than David. It was an arbitrage terror stab. I think the male nurse has a smart crew with technocrats that want to cane me because he was hurt over the younger male nurse. I can't see his actual wealth with whether or not he is with the caner's or if he is somewhere in the middle class who suffers with me in a dominant say/ mediation/ regulation. It has seemed the latter. If he caned me in his possessiveness, it would be personal one-to-one without the cheat. ........I glance at the Pirates a little and don't play Peek-A-Boo enough. I still care for the male nurse, and if given the thought towards the Pirates, I would be skeptical of the same cycle and routine of games I don't want to keep having to take. I have been killed for trying to teach before, but when I feel alone through all these years and still feel far from understood, it still seems to be the only option on my end. How it typically goes with the rich and famous: I am vulnerable and have needs. I don't have to be called god, but there are some things that NEVER come before me. It's always going to be this pig-agenda-trap where I sometimes get manipulated and threatened as the pig (sometimes I really am where I don't always mean to) Whether or not I am getting beat down and competed against because the rich and famous will always be more worthy in the capability of a pig (not that I'm jealous in wanting to be called or treated as a pig) I still feel really overlooked and selfishly mistreated. The man is the head honcho who calls the shots and whose needs are first: and there goes my emotions and will to care straight out of the window. There just isn't enough of a tango. If I could make a man listen to me, if I could make him connect to me and "teach" him something or give him directions: Stop failing me. Stop threatening me with a final say of a judgment or rule or what someone else has already said or with your over-authoritative behavior. Stop threatening me with there is no such thing in losing me with your over-authoritative behavior, cheating, or losing me over anything at all and like you never lost me because you lose me all of the time. Stop threatening me with blame or scapegoating. Stop refusing to realize just how seriously emotional of a person I am and that I feel pain, hurt, and humiliation. Stop blaming and threatening me over my choice and my way of letting you in or putting out. And, I probably lost you too over the directions and demands because I don't know how to save myself from being made to feel like a blow up doll or forced into being a lesbian. .......Anthony Kedis from RHCP. I'm still a big fan and love so many of your songs. You are one of my white lights now and I wonder about you to this day. I definitely know I was beat up by your "Raindance Maggie" song and the "You don't know my mind" song where I question you want to force me into an open relationship as one of your lesbians. "Booo! to that one," I'll be just fine in the basement if you ever wanted to visit me there from time to time. I think my older male nurse boyfriend would be upset though. Your hippy though Anthony, I just adore you. You are a light of day and if my Will Trainor ("Me Before You") were ever on her death bed anymore, I would want you to be the qualified caregiver. It might be too much to ask. I like the Stadium Arcadium album the most. I wondered if you had a subtle stockholm or will to emotionally connect with me but I'm attracted to your hippy no matter. That "Please don't strip my mind," song was so close but so far away. There were times I felt so overly stared at, interrogated, over-exposed and obsessed with and I was so upset over how much of an intrusion it was. I cried tears of anger more than tears of submission. I still wouldn't be able to have a crying submission like that to this day. I like the Michigan song the best; you have an understanding of what it is and what it means to not be ruled by bondage and let yourself have your way with your emotions anyway. There are so many kinds of bondages out there and I hate them with a passion. ... Male nurse, I was just kind of thinking of Anthony recently and I still care for you and I've just been a long time fan and felt like expressing myself.

Wish I had something better to talk about

When a person can't win no matter what they do, they can't. I prefer to be more of a reserved person who keeps a lot of thoughts to myself and gossiping is mostly not even an indulgence of mine. You can't win with violence begets violence either where people don't always recognize or want to recognize just how violent gossip can be. A lot of it is about control and the reputation one person wants another person to have. The lies, manipulations, and games people want to have can reach very deadly levels. While I don't ever want gossip to have much power, I think it is a very underestimated and overlooked issue amongst people. I hate the times I feel I can't win in my personal freedom and not feeling like I should have to be controlled with: who cares what other people think? The control, complexes, and vanities vary among people. I have personally felt the loss of life in assumptions of vain, conceited superiority complexes who gives their self any and every credit they can. I can't get over the way some people will never fear their own lies, assumptions, and self credibility. I know I'm not the only person who has this stick to beat a person with and have had to live in my own fear with the worst way people would further lie against me in the ways they want to beat me with the same stick. It's terrorizing with the way people want to control you with their agenda or think they can outsmart you. I hate how forcefully manipulative some people are when they want to force you into fighting with them and forcing more of a relation out of you.... My topic has many tangents and the thoughts can keep going in so many different directions. I could seriously organize an essay but am just doing my own free write... When a person can't win because they feel they have no other choice to gossip or be defensive. There is no doubt about some people wanting to put another person into a corner or beat them into certain submissions because they want their rules to reign. There are times when I feel more acutely pushed around by a person's will to make me feel molested or threatened with rape. If I wanted to live in paranoia because I havn't gotten out a lot and the way it makes me look because I haven't gotten out a lot I could. I have too many other things to worry about and the way some people want to threaten some paranoias on me are not my winners anyway. There are always fears of credibility and losing to someone's lies and superiority complex. I know I get battered to this day by superiority complexes and the credits they give themselves and threaten my life with. It is one of the most terrorizing cut throat things to me. If I could control the reputation of some entities I see and the pattern of judgment, I would go all out in wanting them to look like a die hard terrorist group or gang. I want to say Jihad or some middle eastern group but I just don't want to touch the actual religion of Islam with some guys in general anymore but their chauvinism can be very comparative to the way those groups work. Some guys just don't recognize just how controlling they are and all about their rules. Some men can pose and act like they want to care but they really look like they just want to be conquestial with the rules and I feel I am often a target to their prejudice. I've already felt manipulated and blackmailed to be raped because I don't play their games or rules. I'm just not with any man's program. Once again, while I always don't have the time to go out, what am I to do when I have the time? Just sit at home? Be their basement slave either way because I feel forced to succumb to their fear? …..Last night wasn't too eventful. While I can more than call the guy I was hanging out with a rough neck, he was a very questionable pattern and drone. I would call him rude in a lot of ways. I know I'm not interested. I did kiss with him on purpose but just wasn't going to come out and say: "Seriously, I'm using you just so I could bitch slap another molester who was wanting to control me with his rules." I could judge this guy of wanting to feed my fears more with the molestation: "This is what you get for not living in fear to kissing strangers," with how much he took advantage and got me alone on some streets with himself. I eventually told him to just stop and thankfully he wasn't going to be a wife beater about it, but he put me to his worst test. He was so rude in so many ways. "Until I find someone I trust or want buddy." Listen to the rest of the lyrics to the song. Of course some people will always want to take me in their own worst manipulative ways. While I still march to the beat to the song, like I have to march in my utmost religious way like the song is in the bible. Fuck the drones. Fuck their rules and judgment.