Wish I had something better to talk about

When a person can't win no matter what they do, they can't. I prefer to be more of a reserved person who keeps a lot of thoughts to myself and gossiping is mostly not even an indulgence of mine. You can't win with violence begets violence either where people don't always recognize or want to recognize just how violent gossip can be. A lot of it is about control and the reputation one person wants another person to have. The lies, manipulations, and games people want to have can reach very deadly levels. While I don't ever want gossip to have much power, I think it is a very underestimated and overlooked issue amongst people. I hate the times I feel I can't win in my personal freedom and not feeling like I should have to be controlled with: who cares what other people think? The control, complexes, and vanities vary among people. I have personally felt the loss of life in assumptions of vain, conceited superiority complexes who gives their self any and every credit they can. I can't get over the way some people will never fear their own lies, assumptions, and self credibility. I know I'm not the only person who has this stick to beat a person with and have had to live in my own fear with the worst way people would further lie against me in the ways they want to beat me with the same stick. It's terrorizing with the way people want to control you with their agenda or think they can outsmart you. I hate how forcefully manipulative some people are when they want to force you into fighting with them and forcing more of a relation out of you.... My topic has many tangents and the thoughts can keep going in so many different directions. I could seriously organize an essay but am just doing my own free write... When a person can't win because they feel they have no other choice to gossip or be defensive. There is no doubt about some people wanting to put another person into a corner or beat them into certain submissions because they want their rules to reign. There are times when I feel more acutely pushed around by a person's will to make me feel molested or threatened with rape. If I wanted to live in paranoia because I havn't gotten out a lot and the way it makes me look because I haven't gotten out a lot I could. I have too many other things to worry about and the way some people want to threaten some paranoias on me are not my winners anyway. There are always fears of credibility and losing to someone's lies and superiority complex. I know I get battered to this day by superiority complexes and the credits they give themselves and threaten my life with. It is one of the most terrorizing cut throat things to me. If I could control the reputation of some entities I see and the pattern of judgment, I would go all out in wanting them to look like a die hard terrorist group or gang. I want to say Jihad or some middle eastern group but I just don't want to touch the actual religion of Islam with some guys in general anymore but their chauvinism can be very comparative to the way those groups work. Some guys just don't recognize just how controlling they are and all about their rules. Some men can pose and act like they want to care but they really look like they just want to be conquestial with the rules and I feel I am often a target to their prejudice. I've already felt manipulated and blackmailed to be raped because I don't play their games or rules. I'm just not with any man's program. Once again, while I always don't have the time to go out, what am I to do when I have the time? Just sit at home? Be their basement slave either way because I feel forced to succumb to their fear? …..Last night wasn't too eventful. While I can more than call the guy I was hanging out with a rough neck, he was a very questionable pattern and drone. I would call him rude in a lot of ways. I know I'm not interested. I did kiss with him on purpose but just wasn't going to come out and say: "Seriously, I'm using you just so I could bitch slap another molester who was wanting to control me with his rules." I could judge this guy of wanting to feed my fears more with the molestation: "This is what you get for not living in fear to kissing strangers," with how much he took advantage and got me alone on some streets with himself. I eventually told him to just stop and thankfully he wasn't going to be a wife beater about it, but he put me to his worst test. He was so rude in so many ways. "Until I find someone I trust or want buddy." Listen to the rest of the lyrics to the song. Of course some people will always want to take me in their own worst manipulative ways. While I still march to the beat to the song, like I have to march in my utmost religious way like the song is in the bible. Fuck the drones. Fuck their rules and judgment.